December 14, 2009

Three months and no posts! I think I need to have a peek at other blogs, just to see what's going on with others in the world. Alot has changed since Sept.... I started working for a decent company and have moved to town with my girlfriend... my son is still living at the old home and is going to a local college. I am able to keep his utilities and insurance paid, and also keep him in groceries. I feel it is my duty until he is out of college, his father does not help any so it's my responsibility. I love my son very much.
Life is very different and happier. I am able to trust more and laugh more.
Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! Life is good!

September 3, 2009 -Coming out

I haven't made a post in almost a month.
I have remained clean and sober and am actively seeking employment. I have had a couple of interviews and am starting to feel more motivated to get in the swing of things and begin working even if I do not like the system that is so screwed up...
My personal life is getting more balanced and interesting. I now know I have to "come out" in my professional life in order to live fully and accept myself. I have been hiding a great deal of who I am and my personal life has suffered due to the fact that I do not feel consistency from home to work. Living openly means I will likely need to live in a more accepting community and will in effect broaden my horizons.
The woman in my life now is not into drinking or drugs and I am hoping she is honest and that I will follow my intuition... my gut is always more accurate than my heart or mind when it comes to people.

August 5 2009

Diversions are necessary sometimes. Someone or something to keep your attention from the things in life that may be difficult or hard to deal with. But after the diversion life resumes and the reality is still there - maybe a little more distant than a few days before.

Who Moved the Cheese?

I just listened to 'who moved the cheese?' and I am quite certain that my role in change is 'hem' who does not want to change, does not accept change and fights it to the bitter end.
The bitter end has past and now I must accept my mistakes and learn from them and move on.
I am 45 (and feeling it) and wish things were on track. I didn't want to go through this and refused to believe I could end up so alone although I had seen it coming from miles away.
How stubborn in a delusion of "love" can one get?
My mood swings and repetitive thought patterns are wreaking havoc on my emotions...
Here a recovering alcoholic and a broken hearted fool are rolled into one and it is a bad combination to deal with. I am trying to not hold myself responsible for the situation I have ended up in, but it is the only way I can just move forward and let the past go.
I am so sensitive and afraid of change that it is hard to not fall back on dysfunctional coping mechanisms that have wrecked my life in the past. It is hard to accept that the person I cared most about does not care if I sink or swim. There I go playing the 'hem' role and wanting to blame everyone but myself for the rut I am in...
I keep working on it.
Blogging may well be therapy...

July 25 - Saturday

Gratitude. That's what I feel. Whether it is for bloggers who show support and help me feel less isolated and remind me that even though we feel alone -we are not... or whether it is a passsage in a book that makes me connect with a powerful idea that changes my outlook. Being aware of the blessings that surround me is required for moving forward and resisting bitterness.
Reaching out becomes easier and puts things in a frame of reference that makes the crisis appear more manageable.
The past two days I have received calls from people I did not expect to hear from who said they had been thinking about me and we talked and talked. My crisis is small compared to the things that each of them face.
One just lost her husband to cancer last month and is left to be sole caretaker for a child they adopted who has Retts syndrome. The other has learned that her toddler son is autistic... and the older child has a rare developmental disorder that makes her require complete physical assistance.
Exceptional people face exceptional challenges and I can only hope and pray that I can be supportive and helpful.
Gratitude. I am aware that I am not facing anything that I cannot overcome and it will make me stronger and wiser.
The calls from 'out of the blue' prove to me that I am loved and have the ability to love and offer friendship to others... and this must continue to be a personal and professional commitment in my daily life. There will be people whom I have failed and have failed me but if reparations cannot be made then letting go and moving forward is all that is required. It is easy but I make it difficult. Clinging to the past prevents moving forward and slows recovery from painful life events.
I am giving thanks to my higher power and recognizing that the world may appear formidable and cold, but it is also beautiful and empowering. It is up to me how I spend moment to moment - moving forward or staying stuck with painful thoughts and feelings...

July 20 Monday = Growth, less painful

Well there it is... the big boy corporation didn't make a fool of me. I probably couldn't have done it without guidance. I wouldn't have felt strong enough without solid backing from a past ally.
Some people would call me crazy but I know turning down the position was the only prudent thing to do in the long run. Jumping on to a crashing train is the last thing I want to do.
Now there is the interview with the other crashing train that I managed to put off due to a minor surgery complication, but to maintain professionalism I will have to follow up and just tell them now is not a good time for me to go back to work... or something.
I am proud of myself - and uneasy about it all- but I have a decent nest egg and good sense about staying out of debt. The days are getting better because I am acting in a way that is in alignment with my principles.

Of course there are going to be better days

Strength does not happen without some suffering to help us see that we do not need many of the things that we chose for ourselves. People we thought were wonderful and brilliant (but let us down terribly), jobs we were "blessed" to have (and we find the underlying corporate ethic and greed is intolerable), it's all just a learning experience were we have to continue to make choices that seem difficult but really aren't. That is if we have faith in something and are consciously making ethical decisions... and being willing to step aside as the future unfolds from what appears to be something we did not approve of. We must remember that we are not always right and that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes... we cannot save them, and we shouldn't- freewill plays out in every arena of life.
I hope I choose more appropriate things for my future

Of course there are going to be better days

Isolation and weakness... or am I getting stronger?

July 17 - I have not been answering calls and feeling like I just want to be left alone. I feel vulnerable and don't want to put myself in a situation where I might make a decision - I have been offered another job but feel negative about the agency that is offering it. I worked for them for a year and got laid off because there was a shortfall for executive bonuses. Their way of making up the difference meant getting rid of two entry level managers. Now they want to know if I am interested in coming back now that two seasoned managers have left the company. They probably think "wow - we could get a great deal on this one - get twice the work for less than half the pay." I haven't worked for them since February.
I will have to think about it and figure out what it means to go back or refuse to go back. I am taking a break from work and I have only been unemployed for 5 days - and already there are opportunities that I am hesitant to accept... it might be another mistake like accepting the last job I had to quit.
I want to get stronger and when I make a decision I want it to be a full hearted yes or no. I don't like going into a situation with the attitude that "I just need to work" when I realistically can afford to take time to take care of myself and heal.
Anyone else faced with tough decisions while keeping their health and mental stability in check?

Sunday July 12 Loss of a friend

Being deceived and lied to really hurts when it comes from someone you trusted. Seeing an longtime friend turn into a meth addict and engaging in other risky behavior made me so sad and angry. I wanted to save this person from the path of destruction but of course that is never how things work out. When I realized I couldn't "save" her I went ballistic and screamed at her when I recogized the need to get away from anyone who can do that to themselves.
She's involved in larceny, forgery, and is most likely engaging in sex for drugs. The lies - my God. It hurts to know someone who possesses such wonderful qualities can flush herself when there are so many other options.
I am one of those people who tend to feel too much, and I have definitely let this person's downfall bother me way too much. I don't have many friends, and she and I had been close since '99. I am trying to totally avoid people and situations that may be into drugs. I have been there and done that and I do not want to go down that road again. I haven't spoken to her - she won't talk to me- since June 2 and I keep expecting to hear of her arrest or death. I pray that she can get out of this mess she's in. But she doesn't care for anything but getting high.

Thursday July 9

Today was interesting. I started out not wanting to get out of bed and even though I didn't get up until much later than usual I still made it to the job on time. My last day is tomorrow and I plan to be very polite and gracious for my exit interview. I never want to deal so closely with bureaucracy again!
I went to a "sangha" tonight and meditated with a group of about 20. The discussion afterward proved to be very stimulating and I learned of an ayurvedic practice called "oil pulling" in which more info can be found at oilpulling.org.
This challenging life experience that I am going through is helping me grow, as painful as it is I am finding little glimpses of hope in my surroundings and also internally. God is always available, and community is very important in this process.
I have isolated from community and this isolation has intensified my feelings of hurt and frustration. Forgiving is key to moving forward.
I am moving forward with a smile! Even when I hurt...

getting a handle on the blues

At age 45 I find myself facing major stuff and getting worn down by the emotional fallout of my situation(s). I have been working on some spiritual aspects of myself to try to stem the tide of grief and anger over losing important people in my life and now quitting a job that has been comprimising my principles.
I have a great deal to be thankful for and need to try not to isolate from the world in order to "get back on" with my life. Rebuilding at this late time is a daunting task I must undertake. I know many other folks have much more difficult things to go through than what I am going through.
There - I think I have enough hope built up to get through a few more hours.
Anyone who can offer inspirational thoughts and input please do so... I am now going to visit some blogs who have responded to my coffee shop post.
Let's smile and get through another day!

Monday morning

I have taken the step forward (or backward) and put in my notice at work. I absolutely regret having accepted the job in the first place. I have enough saved to be OK for a while but I have never just quit a job without having a solid plan. My inuition tells me that this will be difficult but will bring something good in the long run...

better days ahead

knowing the state of the economy... staying optimistic can be very difficult. Making life changing choices have put me on the edge of saying 'oops' or 'hallelujah' but i am not sure what is on the tip of my tongue right now.

having priciples and having financial security can seem to be an "Either/or" Choice to make sometimes.

spilling the truth can be like burning your fingers and freeing the doves all at the same time...