The mad preacher of Kent hangs from a branch on my family tree.
Did Balliol experience life and have some feelings like me?
Struggling with faith and reality
There's a noose that's always swinging in the breeze
faith regained - and walking with my chin up
When we lose faith we send our hope and soul to the gallows.
Darkness wins.
If I lose my way I ask for guidance, if I fall I must stand up, it takes some time to gather my senses when the world spins so fast, looking down
And when everyday life loses its dazzle, and the sparkle fades away
It is time to sit with nature and her projects, the energy design is more complex than a simple human can comprehend, looking around and looking up
and our trust is restored by the order of her chaos, the brilliant calming stream in sunshine, the birds sing her praises and celebrate the new day...
when our families fall to splinters, a house no longer stands, the wreckage and twisted hooks that pause your breath when it crosses your mind, it's only transformation, I choose a brighter thought, and nature helps me see, all is well and life is a gift
Travel light, be ready for what ever may come, and know that the weather never cares what your plans are.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
February 19 2010
Over two months and I haven't posted anything...
I am layed off again due to Medicaid cuts and I am trying to find direction for a new career. Of course that could include going back to school and at my age that's kind of scary. At 45 I only have 20 years left in the workforce (no, I probably won't retire - most other people won't be able to afford to either). So going back for my Masters isn't an impossibility but I question whether my noodle can take the strain. I am looking at the OT track here in NC and Chapel Hill has the most appealing program. I would like to hear from folks in that type of profession and get an idea of the degree of difficulty that MSOT studies present.
I am layed off again due to Medicaid cuts and I am trying to find direction for a new career. Of course that could include going back to school and at my age that's kind of scary. At 45 I only have 20 years left in the workforce (no, I probably won't retire - most other people won't be able to afford to either). So going back for my Masters isn't an impossibility but I question whether my noodle can take the strain. I am looking at the OT track here in NC and Chapel Hill has the most appealing program. I would like to hear from folks in that type of profession and get an idea of the degree of difficulty that MSOT studies present.
Monday, December 14, 2009
December 14, 2009
Three months and no posts! I think I need to have a peek at other blogs, just to see what's going on with others in the world. Alot has changed since Sept.... I started working for a decent company and have moved to town with my girlfriend... my son is still living at the old home and is going to a local college. I am able to keep his utilities and insurance paid, and also keep him in groceries. I feel it is my duty until he is out of college, his father does not help any so it's my responsibility. I love my son very much.
Life is very different and happier. I am able to trust more and laugh more.
Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! Life is good!
Life is very different and happier. I am able to trust more and laugh more.
Happy Hannukah! Merry Christmas! Life is good!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
September 3, 2009 -Coming out
I haven't made a post in almost a month.
I have remained clean and sober and am actively seeking employment. I have had a couple of interviews and am starting to feel more motivated to get in the swing of things and begin working even if I do not like the system that is so screwed up...
My personal life is getting more balanced and interesting. I now know I have to "come out" in my professional life in order to live fully and accept myself. I have been hiding a great deal of who I am and my personal life has suffered due to the fact that I do not feel consistency from home to work. Living openly means I will likely need to live in a more accepting community and will in effect broaden my horizons.
The woman in my life now is not into drinking or drugs and I am hoping she is honest and that I will follow my intuition... my gut is always more accurate than my heart or mind when it comes to people.
I have remained clean and sober and am actively seeking employment. I have had a couple of interviews and am starting to feel more motivated to get in the swing of things and begin working even if I do not like the system that is so screwed up...
My personal life is getting more balanced and interesting. I now know I have to "come out" in my professional life in order to live fully and accept myself. I have been hiding a great deal of who I am and my personal life has suffered due to the fact that I do not feel consistency from home to work. Living openly means I will likely need to live in a more accepting community and will in effect broaden my horizons.
The woman in my life now is not into drinking or drugs and I am hoping she is honest and that I will follow my intuition... my gut is always more accurate than my heart or mind when it comes to people.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
August 5 2009
Diversions are necessary sometimes. Someone or something to keep your attention from the things in life that may be difficult or hard to deal with. But after the diversion life resumes and the reality is still there - maybe a little more distant than a few days before.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Who Moved the Cheese?
I just listened to 'who moved the cheese?' and I am quite certain that my role in change is 'hem' who does not want to change, does not accept change and fights it to the bitter end.
The bitter end has past and now I must accept my mistakes and learn from them and move on.
I am 45 (and feeling it) and wish things were on track. I didn't want to go through this and refused to believe I could end up so alone although I had seen it coming from miles away.
How stubborn in a delusion of "love" can one get?
My mood swings and repetitive thought patterns are wreaking havoc on my emotions...
Here a recovering alcoholic and a broken hearted fool are rolled into one and it is a bad combination to deal with. I am trying to not hold myself responsible for the situation I have ended up in, but it is the only way I can just move forward and let the past go.
I am so sensitive and afraid of change that it is hard to not fall back on dysfunctional coping mechanisms that have wrecked my life in the past. It is hard to accept that the person I cared most about does not care if I sink or swim. There I go playing the 'hem' role and wanting to blame everyone but myself for the rut I am in...
I keep working on it.
Blogging may well be therapy...
The bitter end has past and now I must accept my mistakes and learn from them and move on.
I am 45 (and feeling it) and wish things were on track. I didn't want to go through this and refused to believe I could end up so alone although I had seen it coming from miles away.
How stubborn in a delusion of "love" can one get?
My mood swings and repetitive thought patterns are wreaking havoc on my emotions...
Here a recovering alcoholic and a broken hearted fool are rolled into one and it is a bad combination to deal with. I am trying to not hold myself responsible for the situation I have ended up in, but it is the only way I can just move forward and let the past go.
I am so sensitive and afraid of change that it is hard to not fall back on dysfunctional coping mechanisms that have wrecked my life in the past. It is hard to accept that the person I cared most about does not care if I sink or swim. There I go playing the 'hem' role and wanting to blame everyone but myself for the rut I am in...
I keep working on it.
Blogging may well be therapy...
Saturday, July 25, 2009
July 25 - Saturday
Gratitude. That's what I feel. Whether it is for bloggers who show support and help me feel less isolated and remind me that even though we feel alone -we are not... or whether it is a passsage in a book that makes me connect with a powerful idea that changes my outlook. Being aware of the blessings that surround me is required for moving forward and resisting bitterness.
Reaching out becomes easier and puts things in a frame of reference that makes the crisis appear more manageable.
The past two days I have received calls from people I did not expect to hear from who said they had been thinking about me and we talked and talked. My crisis is small compared to the things that each of them face.
One just lost her husband to cancer last month and is left to be sole caretaker for a child they adopted who has Retts syndrome. The other has learned that her toddler son is autistic... and the older child has a rare developmental disorder that makes her require complete physical assistance.
Exceptional people face exceptional challenges and I can only hope and pray that I can be supportive and helpful.
Gratitude. I am aware that I am not facing anything that I cannot overcome and it will make me stronger and wiser.
The calls from 'out of the blue' prove to me that I am loved and have the ability to love and offer friendship to others... and this must continue to be a personal and professional commitment in my daily life. There will be people whom I have failed and have failed me but if reparations cannot be made then letting go and moving forward is all that is required. It is easy but I make it difficult. Clinging to the past prevents moving forward and slows recovery from painful life events.
I am giving thanks to my higher power and recognizing that the world may appear formidable and cold, but it is also beautiful and empowering. It is up to me how I spend moment to moment - moving forward or staying stuck with painful thoughts and feelings...
Reaching out becomes easier and puts things in a frame of reference that makes the crisis appear more manageable.
The past two days I have received calls from people I did not expect to hear from who said they had been thinking about me and we talked and talked. My crisis is small compared to the things that each of them face.
One just lost her husband to cancer last month and is left to be sole caretaker for a child they adopted who has Retts syndrome. The other has learned that her toddler son is autistic... and the older child has a rare developmental disorder that makes her require complete physical assistance.
Exceptional people face exceptional challenges and I can only hope and pray that I can be supportive and helpful.
Gratitude. I am aware that I am not facing anything that I cannot overcome and it will make me stronger and wiser.
The calls from 'out of the blue' prove to me that I am loved and have the ability to love and offer friendship to others... and this must continue to be a personal and professional commitment in my daily life. There will be people whom I have failed and have failed me but if reparations cannot be made then letting go and moving forward is all that is required. It is easy but I make it difficult. Clinging to the past prevents moving forward and slows recovery from painful life events.
I am giving thanks to my higher power and recognizing that the world may appear formidable and cold, but it is also beautiful and empowering. It is up to me how I spend moment to moment - moving forward or staying stuck with painful thoughts and feelings...
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